Words are worthless and they're all that i have left

If it feels so good while doing it, why the hell does the guilt set in after it's done?

Now i know.

Self control is EVERYTHING

Ears.

Most under rated. Most neglected. Most undermentioned.

Give them the attention and you'll be duely rewarded.

Got to slow down. Got to slow down...

Never been stunned for so long.

Well, the rest, are classified.

What would you do if this were the last time you would get to see me?

Not when i'm riding...lame excuse i know.

Goodnight...

And i was stunned.

Really stunned.

And still got that stupid smile on my face.

Well what was i thinking really? To ask for something like that?

And to get it in return as well...

Can't say it felt good because it was not euphoric.

But peaceful.

Everything seemed to go right that day. The doctors were mightily impressed and it only means i've done my job and someone's real proud of this "lost" soldier of his. It meant quite alot for someone as junior as me but the importance of the matter was all lost before the night ended, overtaken by what seemed to be a moment of stupidity.

Or innocence?

It was an innocent enough question or request put forward by a not so looking innocent individual. Thought it was wrong.

Not so wrong afterall after it was done. Kinda wanted more but i've already gotten more than what i expected.

Well i'm quite full of nonsense am i?

But i don't care. Piggy's not exclusive to my brother anymore.

=)

Now that's really really rare.

Can you feel that?

Ergh shit...

Oh wah ah ah ah!

Oh wah ah ah ah!

Oh Oh!

Oh Oh!

Oh Oh!

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant I kneel

Will you give it to me?

It seems what's left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me

Will you give it to me??

Looking at my own reflection
When suddenly it changes
Violently it changes (oh no)
There is no turning back now
You've woken up the demon in me!!!

Get up, come on get down with the sickness!!
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
You mother get up
You fucker get up
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me...

I can see inside you, the sickness is rising
Don't try to deny what you feel

Will you give it to me?

It seems that all that was good has died
And is decaying in me

Will you give it to me!!??

It seems you're having some trouble
In dealing with these changes
Living with these changes (oh no)
The world is a scary place
Now that you've woken up the demon in me

(And when I dream)
No daddy, don't do it again
Don't do it again
I'll be a good boy
I'll be a good boy, I promise
No daddy don't hit me
Why did you have to hit me like that
Why did you have to be such a bitch
Why don't you,
Why don't you fuck off and die?
Why can't you just fuck off and die?
Why can't you just leave here and die?
Never stick your hand in my face again bitch
FUCK YOU!!
I don't need this shit
You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore
How would you have to see how it feels daddy
Here it comes, get ready to die

Disturbed - Down with the sickness

Damn it feels good to fuel this aggression in a really positive manner. Feels empowered. Reminds me of what i love about this job is they they pay me for shit like this and i get to do it legally. Vent and channel this crap into positive shit and i get recognised for it.

Effective, intelligent, ruthless, violent.

Well done soldier.

I'm not quite ready to give up pillioning yet, despite shirts flying up.

And i haven't been called piggy in the longest time.

Only Sam calls me that...

And i love him.

Haven't talked on the phone for hours in a long time. Can't say it was a familiar feeling because it wasn't. I'm not going to be pensive and write about the emotions that come along with it because i'm not ready to share it with other people who don't matter and as far as i am concerned this is a matter of 2, not any more.

Even though many times i've said that when you're tired, words come out of your mouth, bypassing the brain, it's not true at all. It's the current state that determines whether if the words do come out or not and it happens that at that moment, your mind agrees with the mouth and the words come out even after processing by the brain.

So it happens again, saying things that others think might be incoherent.

When actually, it's a carefully thought out process involving many risk calculations and even when the odds are mightily against you, you still do it anyway because it is in me to be always taking risks. Calculated ones, no matter how low it may be, because that's the kind of life i live in.

I ended up, concussed in the rover. Didn't have to shoot but i wanted to but they put me in the rover instead. Making up for lost sleep and having just 1 meal between breakfast and dinner. Should have just let me shoot. But i guess the sleep was a welcomed break. Then good news started to pour in. News that i can't share about. News that would make my fly but only i could know about. News that no one should, could or would bother about.

News that became my life when i promised a friend.

I will not fail.

I've hugged and kissed before.

But the best feeling...

Is when you stretch out your hand...

And it's held on to.

And yes, for a guy, i have smooth hands. Blame it on the latex gloves.

HA!

After much deliberation, i've decided not to spend $2000 on a new bodykit for my bike. Sure it'll look good after the new bodywork but a 400cc V4 will never be a 1000cc litre class bike. Sure i'll throw in a little upgrade here and there like suspensions, engine works but nothing major. The money saved will go into a new beast when the time calls for it.

Besides, i like the idea of pillioning and i'm not ready to sacrifice that. Yet.

And the money can go to some other things.

Like a pair of rollerblades.

Funny how one's feeling can be so acute to presence.

I don't really wish to elaborate.

But yeah. Spaceman!

Spaceman...i always wanted you to go into Spaceman!

Intergalactic Cry...

Bloody cat got to my bike again. Leaving trails of fur. I guess this little feline really does like this ride of mine and not that i'm trying to connect the dots but it seems that it always happens after a particular someone rode with me.

Hmmmm.

But anyway, alot of word has been going on around regarding the VA shooting.

I'll but it down right now that it don't matter shit.

Whatever anyone says right now, whether they feel that someone should have done something or feeling that Cho has been forced into the killing doesn't matter. Like all other things and events in life, it doesn't matter after it has already happened, even apologies. People put too much weight on things after it has happened, not during it. The few who act upon something during the event are often always criticised but these are the real people who understand.

Whatever someone chooses to do only matters at that moment. You can say whatever you want and it won't matter anymore.

That's why apologies are cheap but funny how it's worth it's weight in gold to some people.

Hind sight is better than 20/20.

Doesn't matter anymore. Live your own life, take your own death. It's in your hands. That's why you have them in the first place. Even without hands, you still can kill yourself. Just bite your tongue.

In my world, the Now is the most important. Don't come and tell me how you feel after it has happened. Don't tell me you're sorry after it has been done. Don't tell me my mistakes when you had the chance to correct me when i'm doing it. When you stub your toe on a rock, do you not immediately feel the pain? When you're slapped in the face, doesn't it tinge immediately?

If it's anything to go by, do it now, show it now.

If not, be prepared to reap the whirlwind.

He's right. Behind ever 18D lies a mass murderer.

In lieu of all the bullshit that's happening, let's write about something that i'm good at.

No not procrastinating.

Chest tubes.

After your initial assessment, the operator, which is yours truly, determines that patient is suffering from chest complications.

Inspect chest for paradoxical movement, unusual chest movements, rise and fall of chest.

Auscaltate with a minimum of 6 points to determine which lung is in distress.

Palpate the chest and feel for fractures, difficulty in breathing and flail chest.

Percuss and listen for hyper-resonance or hypo-resonance. If it's hyper-resonance, it would be the pleural cavity if filled mostly with air and if it's hypo-resonance, if would most probably be fluid like blood but do not be mistaken that it has to be exclusive. More often than not you'll have both.

Now that we have determined what the fuck's wrong with the poor bloke, it's time to start getting surgical. Oh and by the way, the 6 minutes starts...NOW!

Doc doc! He's fucked in the chest! Do something!

Wait...i am the doc.

Here we go. Gloves on, eye protection on.

Whip out that 16G IV needle and cannula. Locate the mid-clavicle line, 2nd intercostal space. There you go. Remove the needle cap and puncture into the pleural space and listen for wooshing sound until it stops. Remove needle.

Great doc, you've just bought the joker some time. Now get going!

Get that 10cc of lidocaine, locate the mid-axillary line, 5th intercostal space. Feel for the rib.

There...

Inject 3cc along the rib to form a mound. Don't forget to expirate as you plunge the needle in. 3cc more on top of the rib. Now walk the needle superiorly along the rib until you puncture the intercostal space and as you plunge it in, expirate until you see bubbles. There, you're in the pleural space now. Inject the rest of the lidocaine as you extract the needle.

Not much time left doc!

Get your betadine sticks and start sterilising the skin and get that damn hodgey to get the sterile field and surgical gloves ready, not forgetting the surgical set. Get moving hodgey! Smack that hodgey if you have to.

Get that sterile field on the chest and donn those surgical gloves.

Now get your scaple, blade, kelly foreceps, needle forceps, and whatever you think is necessary ready.

Make an incision along the rib, using the rib as a chopping board. When you're satisfied with the incision, use a curved kelly and start to blunt disect. He'll scream in pain, if he's conscious. Blunt disect until you puncture the pleural space and then with your other hand, insert your pinkie and feel for any lesions and fractures. If it's nice and smooth, you have your hole ready.

With your pinkie still in his chest, get that stupid hodgey to prepare the chest tube, helmnich valve and pleural bag and with a hemostatic clamp, clamp the chest tube and using a kelly, clamp on the bevel of the chest tube. Now comes the interesting part. As you insert the chest tube with your kelly, remove your pinkie. It's a one for one exchange.

Once you're satisfied that it's in the chest for good, remove your hemostatic clamp and look at all that useless junk flow out into the pleural bag. Great job doc! But not quite done yet.

Get your sutures ready and do a box suture around the nice little hole you made in the puke's chest. Get hodgey to hold that damn tube properly. Do your surgeon's troll, get your jelonet and bulky dressing and there you go. Secured. You just did a chest tube and probably saved that dumb fuck who got shot.

Not bad for 6 minutes eh?

Fucking cat scratched my motorcycle seat, leaving cat fur and tear marks all over.

Time to get even.

Making enemies.

As usual.

Just another day at work.

You know everyone learns something new every other day. Some fail to discover it and some do and i don't know whether if it's a misfortune or something good to discover that you've learned something, especially when it's more of a realisation than knowledge.

Broken promises are just something we coined in order to make someone feel guilty about whatever he or she said before. The fact is that when it has come to a point where you have no more desire to fufil whatever you said you would do, people claim it as a broken promise. It's as simple as that. The desire to do whatever that you've promised someone is no more and you simply don't wish to do it anymore even though it's within your own capabilities.

Yeah.

So let me start breaking them because i have no more desire. The only ones that i intend to keep belong to work. A promise from soldier to soldier.

And DXO was...interesting.

I've never liked the beach. Before i go on anymore and those who bothered to read say that i'm contradicting myself about how i can proclaim to love the sea but hate the beach, i must say that being on the beach and in the sea are 2 very different things.

I never liked walking around on the beach, getting tanned, playing beach volleyball or stuff like that. The only thing i would probably enjoy would be looking at the women in minimal attire and maximum exposure and young couples making out on the sand or in the polluted shoreline. Which is why, sad to say, the outing yesterday wasn't that enjoyable for me but it was an ok visual fest though. I'm already dark enough and it doesn't help that i tan easily and now i've gotten myself a new layer of dark skin which makes for a very uneven skin tone transition from where the sun doesn't shine to the rest of the areas.

But who was i kidding right? I did enjoy myself looking at firm tits and assess.

Right.

I'm back to surviving on 4 hour days, forcing myself to wake at 5am so i can avoid the morning rush and the traffic police shift change hours in order to speed on my new ride to get what little adreneline rush that i can afford. I needed it. Else i would be feeling low. I'm not like other people where they can maintain a normal attitude or a constant high. It just seems that i need something just to get my fix of adreneline else everything just sucks.

Yeah right.

Do i really need a break? I doubt so. It's just a covenient lie for myself that i want time off to pursue other things that i thought was more important. Now that's just a bunch of bull. I've worked like this before and somehow it always produces some sort of result. I don't know how i managed but it happens. I guess it really is like this then. I need to be smacked right down so that i can climb higher than before.

Hmmm...

Thousand dollar bills...




And i have 7 of them...










To pay for this...

Yeah it's my new ride. A Honda RVF400. The Ducati owner ain't selling his Monster anymore and i'm not in the mood to force him to sell it and he dosen't sound that sincere anyway.

Got myself a wallet, finally, after like 3 months. I didn't want to wait that long but...

Nevermind.

Getting alot of assignments. Will be kept frosty and busy for a while i hope. Works better this way for me. I'm still waiting for that package from Australia you know? I'll talk more when i see you on msn yeah?

And i have this insatiable urge to name my bike...

Till then, satisfy this voracious appetite for work.

front 2, 3, left, 2, 3, right 2, 3, back 2, 3, squeeze...Pay attention, practice, practice, practice, perform.

You'll always be my friend. Always. Good luck in Florida and thanks for your blessings. You have mine too.

I'll see you when i see you Cat.

Mom got the contractor down to fixing window blinds in the bedroom so i could sleep during the day in those lazy mornings and not get the sun in my face.

What she doesn't know is that i don't sleep in that room much anyway.

Now it's all nice and dark. I think i'll visit it every now and then. With that oversized bed of mine.

And the fresh pinewood smell.

Wait. Isn't pinewood smell supposed to be the thing you smell in gas chambers?

I guees so.

You're not the only one that needs drugs to sleep.

Those 2000 diazepam pills that were supposed to be written off is starting to look very tempting.

I'll be waiting to hear from you.

Sleep well babe. Love ya.

I'll be here

Always

I promise.

So i end up having to watch the movie on my own. Big deal.

Wait, it is a big deal.

It's a great movie and i only wanted to catch it, with you.

But it's as well you didn't because i'd have put myself and you in a really awkward position.

The day was pretty simple actually. With me spending most of the first half of it at the driving center, learning how to drive. Yes. Me. Drive. I've finally decided to get down to it and start to learn how to drive. I don't know what all the fuss is about driving. It just seems pretty boring to me. Once you get a hang of the clutch, brakes and accelerator, it's pretty much all the same.

It was when i got home after all that driving and lunch with BK that someone really managed to piss me off. I received this call around noon from someone who wanted to take a look at this piece of junk i call a bike. A would be potential buyer. At first he told me he wanted to meet me at 4.30pm. Then he texted me again and said he would be late and reach around 5. Fine. Nothing wrong with that. What really made me want to give him a smack in the face was when he arrived and saw my bike. It was parked at the void deck and he called me. He said he could see my bike and he asked me again what was my asking price that i posted in the advert. 1.5K, but negotiable of course. When he seemed hesitant, i asked him what he intended to offer. Bear in mind that i was still on the phone with him, he's still at the void deck and i've not gone down and started the bike for him or even let him test ride. "600"

What!?

I can't believe the asshole actually said 600. I mean if he actually had wanted me to go down and start the bike for him before making the offer, i would understand but he didn't even bother to test the bike out. He's obviously out for a cheap deal.

Fucker.

But wait, here's something really strange.

The movie went on as usual but it was what happened after the movie that was really awkward. We bumped into someone.

Zaza.

With her husband.

It would be utterly weird if KP had called out to her. I wouldn't know what to do.

It was almost 7 years ago.

I didn't do anything. I was young and troubled.

She looked pretty much the same as i remembered. Petite, fair elfin like features but this time with shorter bangs than the image i have of her.

No hi or anything. The reason is simple. Nothing ever happened. Felt a little special about her but after a while it was over. I was quite surprised they even brought it up but i managed to put a stop to it as immediate as it begun. When the girls started to question, i just told the truth. That she was someone i tried to go after when i was like 16 but nothing happened.

And there's someone now.

Some of the guys know her name.

Most don't.

But you know yourself babe.

You know...